The Many Forms of Metal

 I got a chuckle out of this, found here. It relates the common genres of metal to your fairy tale story of the knight saving the princess from a dragon.

*POWER METAL
The protagonist arrives riding a white unicorn, escapes from the dragon, saves the princess and makes love to her in an enchanted forest.

* THRASH METAL
The protagonist arrives, fights the dragon, saves the princess and fucks her.

* HEAVY METAL
The protagonist arrives on a Harley, kills the dragon, drinks a few beers and fucks the princess.

* FOLK METAL
The protagonist arrives with some friends playing accordions, violins, flutes and many more weird instruments, the dragon falls asleep (because of all the dancing). Then all leave........ without the princess.

* VIKING METAL
The protagonist arrives in a ship, kills the dragon with his mighty axe, skins the dragon and eats it, rapes the princess to death, steals her belongings and burns the castle before leaving.

* DEATH METAL
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon, fucks the princess and kills her, then leaves.

* BLACK METAL
The protagonist IS the dragon, dwells in the heart of the night with in a castle full of hellhounds and eternal flames. He kills the sassy knight, fucks the noble steed and sacrifices the princess to Satan.

* GORE METAL
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon and spreads his guts in front of the castle, fucks the princess and kills her. Then he fucks the dead body again, slashes her belly and eats her guts. Then he fucks the carcass for the third time, burns the corpse and fucks it for the last time.

* DOOM METAL
The protagonist arrives, sees the size of the dragon and thinks he could never beat him, then he gets depressed and commits suicide. The dragon eats his body and the princess as dessert. That's the end of the sad story.

* PROGRESSIVE METAL
The protagonist arrives with a guitar and plays a solo of 26 minutes. The dragon kills himself out of boredom. The protagonist arrives to the princess' bedroom, plays another solo with all the techniques and tunes he learned in the last year of the conservatory. The princess escapes looking for the 'HEAVY METAL' protagonist.

* GLAM METAL
The protagonist arrives, the dragon laughs at the guy's appearance and lets him enter. He steals the princess' make up and tries to paint the castle in a beautiful pink colour.

* NU METAL
The protagonist arrives in a run down Honda Civic and attempts to fight the dragon but he burns to death when his moronic baggy clothes catch fire.

Conditions of My Parole? More like Winditions of My Parole.

This album could just about be my AoTY 2011.

So, here we are. In the interest of not studying for a Japanese exam tomorrow, I have instead decided to write a little blurb on the new Puscifer album, entitled, "Conditions of My Parole".

Now, while I've enjoyed pretty much everything in the Tool and A Perfect Circle discographies, and when I heard about Maynard James Keenan's solo project I took a listen to his first album, "V is for Vagina". Personally, I felt that album was lacking that usual MJK flair, and I didn't like it all that much. With that mindset, I dug into this new release.

Holy crap.

Jesus H. Christ, this album is incredible.

From Tiny Monsters, the opener, I could instantly see this was going to be different from the first full length. Then I came across Green Valley. At that point, I was hooked. I continued through, enjoying Man Overboard, Toma, and the title track, Conditions of My Parole with that same feeling I had when I first discovered Tool some ten odd years ago. Finally with the last second of Tumbleweed tumbling by, I felt drained. I hadn't had an album do that to me since Agalloch's "Marrow of the Spirit" released last year. Now, some 200+ odd scrobbles on my Last.fm later, I can confidently recommend this album to anyone, it's that good.

And on that note, I'm off to sleep. Exams be damned.

Changin' Things About Stuff

Hit me up on last.fm
http://www.last.fm/user/DivNecZL

In the interest of continuing this blag, and so as to find more stuff to write about, I have decided to add music to the list of topics I discuss on this blog. I figure writing about albums I enjoy might help breathe new life into this thing, since I've had writer's block for some time now. When I listen to a new (to me) album that's worth talking about, I'll throw it up here for your perusal.

Also: note the new box in the sidebar listing the last 5 new albums I've listened to. Pretty neat, I'd think.



Hopefully this means I'll write more QUALITY content for you, the readership.

Cheers,

The Management.

Portal Free Until Sept. 20

Probably one of the best puzzle games ever, says me.

I know this is a couple of days late, but I figure I'd announce it here as well as all the other social networking sites I frequent, because, well. If you don't already own a copy of Portal, you really are missing out.

VALVe even put out a sweet YouTube video about how educators are starting to use games like Portal and the Hammer editor to learn physics, and things of that nature.

In any case, VALVe has made Portal free until September 20. Yes, all you need is a valid Steam account and you're set. Here's the place, and the pretty interesting YouTube video:

http://learnwithportals.com/

Spotlight: Upcoming Releases

I've felt ways about many different upcoming video games, but a few of them stand out as ones that I am actively trying to acquire to play. Here are just a few of them:

1. Assassin's Creed: Revelations

With the final installment of the Ezio Auditore da Firenze story arc taking place in this game, and the connections between Ezio and Altair (along with the game taking place around the old Masyaf fortress), I'm sure Revelations will bring some of the best story driven gameplay that Ubisoft brought to the table with the earlier Ezio games.

Also, that E3 trailer with Woodkid's Iron playing in the background. Incredible.

2. Red Orchestra 2 - Heroes of Stalingrad

With the game close to release, I still want to put in a word or two about the newest game by Tripwire Interactive. Their first game (and the first game in this series), Red Orchestra - Ostfront '41-45 is still one of the most widely played and popular first person shooters online. I can't say enough about how incredible this game will be. I've come to place Tripwire at about the same level as VALVe in some respects, with their ability to really listen to the community and include features that not only make gameplay challenging but also exciting. Also, every single game you guys have made (bar The Ball) has been awesome. Keep up the good work.

3. Warhammer 40000: Space Marine

Relic Entertainment is known for bringing the Warhammer 40000 universe to life, most notably through the last two Dawn of War sequences (Dawn of War, Winter Assault, Dark Crusade, Soulstorm and Dawn of War II, Chaos Rising, Retribution). Having done more than enough real time strategy games, Space Marine is an action adventure shooter much in the same vein as Gears of War. While I usually wouldn't care for a game like Gears of War, I personally enjoy the Warhammer 40k universe and always look for ways to do things within it.

Just keep Matt Ward away from it, and I'll be fine.

4. Defense of the Ancients 2

People who know me in real life would probably raise an eyebrow at this next one. I have for the most part been against DoTA and it's other MOBA spinoffs (mainly League of Legends and Heroes of Newerth) finding them to be dull, unentertaining and for the most part, unfun. Having recently seen what VALVe has done to this new version of the popular WarCraft III custom map in conjunction with the DoTA team has made me take a fresh look at this game. As of this writing, VALVe is hosting a tournament with a $1 million prize and the game is still in beta. If VALVe has the confidence to host such a tourney, then I should be a bit more open-minded and give this game another try.

5. Path of Exile

I recently got into the closed beta of this game, and I like what I'm seeing with it. Path of Exile is an Action RPG in the vein of Diablo I and II which is being developed by Grinding Gear Games. As of right now, the game has 5 different character classes, and spans across 2 different Acts. The game will launch as a free to play title and will be constantly updated with new content.

6. Saints Row The Third

For the sandbox GTA category, I have decided on Saint's Row III. Why? Well, Saint's Row is about awesome. It's a million times better than GTA and I loved Saint's Row II. That's about all I need to say about this awesome game.

7. Dead Island

In the horror genre, Dead Island stands out as a real competitor. The game takes place on a resort island that has fallen to what is basically a zombie infection. Your character must try to survive on this resort hellhole.

8. Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3

To be clear: I'm not buying this game. I'm going to acquire it to play single player. I've put too much time into this ass backwards story (starting with Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare, then going full retard in Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2), and I'm going to see this damn thing through. Activision can go screw itself, for all I care.

And finally:

9. Diabl- LOL JUST KIDDING

The more I look and hear about the newest installment of one of the best RPG's I've played ever, the more I want to weep. Between the art style getting shat on by that Warcraft influence that StarCraft II also suffers from, to the recent reports of Blizzard removing single player and LAN functionality, along with the money grubbing auction house bullshit that reeks of Bobby Kotick, I'm going to skip Diablo III. Granted, I'll acquire a means to play it on my own. I'm just not going to spend $60 dollars like I did with StarCraft II. Talk about buyers remorse. Instead:

9. Torchlight II

I'm buying Torchlight II. It's literally done by all the old members of Blizzard North (makers of all those classic Blizzard games that came out before World of WarCraft and it's ilk.). This essentially makes it the spiritual successor to Diablo II and Lord of Destruction. I'm also buying it as a big "FUCK YOU TOO" to Blizzard, who has really betrayed my trust as of late.

Sudden Realization

I have seen the light. I need a break.

It hit me a few days ago when I was lying in my bed thinking yet again about ways to defeat your average Riku of Two Reflections EDH deck. I had been in a foul mood over being yet again stomped by Tooth and Nail + Riku's UR activation + other similar shenanigans. Earlier on in the week, I had ragequit from playing Dino D-Day after a team I had been playing on put on the worst possible performance I had ever been a part of. Before even that, I was starting to get sick and tired of the numerous ways a Grey Knight army could rape my Imperial Guard corps. At that time, I had also lost the will to play League of Legends, Team Fortress 2 or any game I had at one point thought of as "fun" during my 2 month summer vacation from the hustle and bustle of the university. On top of this, old mainstays such as World of Tanks and Shogun 2: Total War had become slow and dull for my poor self.

I sat there, cards in hand, wracking my brain when that small thought had crept into my head. "Yo Chris," the thought had opened with, "you really should step back from gaming for a bit." It was true. In my eternal quest for true entertainment, I had lost the reason why I had enjoyed the Traditionally Virtual games that I had based a good portion of my life around. Fun. I had stopped having fun. It was a disgusting feeling, a nugget of truth at the back of my mind. I needed a break. A break from all things.

Either that, or at least something different to do. With 21 days left until the university restarted classes again, the state of me being bored out of my mind was very very close to being a reality.

I used to believe in fun once. I don't know what's happened to me. I... guess I just need a break.

The Post-Summer Camp Sale Post or: "Holy Crap, Terraria is Fun!"

My Summer Camp Achievement Box

Now that the Steam Summer Camp Sale is over, I'm able to take a look back at all the games I've played and all the sweet freebies and other awesome games I picked up.

First off, I like this new way Valve is doing in regards with major sales. The Steam Treasure Hunt was fun as hell, and this is just a better version of that same promotion. In this case, I picked up what probably amounted in at least $25-30 in free DLC and full games, while rediscovering hidden gems and rediscovering what it means to have fun (like with Poker Night at the Inventory)

One such game is Terraria, which to me looked like a shitty 2D Minecraft clone. This was the original reason for me to pass the game by and continue to look for more entertaining venues (Assassin's Creed: Brotherhood was one such entertaining venue, which I'm glad I played). Well, I had a copy of Terraria gifted to me, and, well.... it's incredible. I love just going around creating awesome shit all while dodging zombies, slimes and other incredible enemies. You think Creepers are the worst things to deal with in Minecraft, check out the motherfucking Eater of Worlds. This guy will fuck your shit. Seriously.

Anyways, here's a picture of my floating death yacht. The floors are made from hellstone bricks, which can only be mined at the very lowest levels of the World, commonly referred to as Hell.

Floating a mile or so above the ground, my battlecruiser of death will kill most visitors that have not made proper trips to Hell.

I love the soundtrack that this game uses, and it's hard not to hum along with the day and nighttime tracks as your in game day progresses.

Anyway, back to more Terraria.